[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
what?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Not all heroes wear capes…
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be