[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon