[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I finally found a reason to live again.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*