[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain