@OhNoSheTwitnt
@Cheeseboy22 If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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@Cheeseboy22 
@castawaykristen I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
@JJSummertime Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
@ilovepie84 To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
@seamussaid only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
@sssh_squirrel I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
@abbycohenwl DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
@UncleDuke1969 when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
@JJSummertime These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
@bananafitz Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community