@OhNoSheTwitnt

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@ShootyDoody

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.