@OhNoSheTwitnt

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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@Cheeseboy22

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

@castawaykristen

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

@JJSummertime

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

@ilovepie84

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

@sssh_squirrel

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

@abbycohenwl

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

@UncleDuke1969

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

@JJSummertime

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

@bananafitz

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community