[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.


I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.


Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.


To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.


I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.


*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!


when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”


These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.


Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community