[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
You Might Also Like
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
work smarter, not harder
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work