@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

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@FunnyBison

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@Death_Buddy

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

@kimtopher22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@BradBroaddus

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

@TheOnion

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

@krisv_723

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

@Bob_Janke

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

@KatieDeal99

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist