[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there