Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

My plans: 2020:

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

You better watch out