@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

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@roxiqt

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

@Jennifergr8

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

@Jake_Vig

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@LaniBeno

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

@Naked_Superman

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

@bananagrvyrd

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.