God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused