[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I feel seen
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE