God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Had an epiphany today.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.