God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”