God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline