GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Smooooooth
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too