God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials