God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.