God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I falcon love using swear birds
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I want this so bad
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”