Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

ㅤ

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me