God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.


Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.


My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!


– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton


My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.


We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.