god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.


Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.


“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit


Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*


Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever


I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it


*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*


I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.