god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Very good news from my accountant
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.