God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My favorite female superhero
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS