God has left this place
You Might Also Like
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.