God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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I’m too immature for adultery.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out