God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“We will wed,” I threatened
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.