god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.