@FlyJ_ *sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
@LocalButtLiker God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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@FlyJ_ 
@QwertyJones3 [gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@DanMentos “You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
@thejessbess Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
@Darlainky When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
@BGH70 On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
@BryMastas Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@rickygervais Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
@hardasamother Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again