God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

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*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend


[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix


“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube


Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.


Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.


Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂


Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again