GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
This why you should mind your business
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street