GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Any refunds available?…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?