God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
who did the taste test?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.