God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The internet is magic sometimes.
#ProTip
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible