God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I told my vodka about you.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”