GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*