GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Follow me for more fitness tips.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]