God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?