@deadndreaming

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

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@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@KrunkedRobot

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

@mrjohndarby

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

@LocalButtLiker

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked