@wolfpupy people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
@deadndreaming God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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@wolfpupy 
@JerseyRambo I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
@crunchenhanced If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
@OhNoSheTwitnt My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
@dshack8 Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
@treydayway Covid like
@thisjason Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
@JimmerThatisAll Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
@bizzymcgee *Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
@weinerdog4life *releases frozen turkey back into the ocean