God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.


Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.


*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*


[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?


“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.


Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.


When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.


*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked