God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I finally found a reason to live again.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.