@deadndreaming

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

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@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

@JerseyRambo

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

@bizzymcgee

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today