Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.