God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
bout dat hot dog summer
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful