God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
one of
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
the best thing i’ve ever made
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
dictator is short for richard potato
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I created you as mosquito food.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?