GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
doing your own taxes
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
black phone good
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.