god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Breaking news:
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.