God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You Might Also Like
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination