GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”