[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Pass gas, not judgment.
From Facebook just now…
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely