[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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Him: Let鈥檚 go out tonight.
Me: It鈥檚 a work night and very late.
Him: It鈥檚 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I鈥橫 EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN鈥橳 YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND鈥橲 HUSBANDS?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don鈥檛 have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don鈥檛 want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Her: Stop telling my friends you鈥檙e a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn鈥檛 handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If you鈥檙e a tire company you shouldn鈥檛 say you work tirelessly
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
She wasn鈥檛 matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 馃檮馃槀
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We鈥檙e all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I鈥檇 be ok with it if he鈥檚 using his turn signals
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I can鈥檛 tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It鈥檚 all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That鈥檚 what happens when my kid says he鈥檚 taking a shortcut.