@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

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@VividJamer

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

@lexiedawn

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@Ivsy01

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

@impaulmccoy

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

@AsgardianRose

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

@AngelaEhh

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

@fakemegryan1

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do