[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
You Might Also Like
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
it was a valiant fight
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I’m not wrong
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes