GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.


My dog just puked on the floor.

Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!


I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.


One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.


My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.


You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.


“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets


An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.


The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.


Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do