[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
New menu item
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
😂😂😂
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin