[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
this chia pet tastes awful
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”