God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: