[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Waiting for the Charmin
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.