God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Sorry. Not sorry
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil