{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Inside you there are two wolves
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Pikachu found the lost joint
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Just a phase…