god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.