GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Twitter fine art
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The Compass
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.