Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

who wants to go expliring