God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.