[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop