God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.