GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Hot Panini is in big trouble
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
very niche meme I made
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
tourist season
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly