God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
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I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter